LONDON - England - Size Zero model Anna
Schwarz is commissioned by Channel 4 to
complete a series of extreme weight-loss
methods. How will she manage over the
next eight weeks?
I haven't weighed myself for two and a half
minutes, and even though I'm convinced I have
the body of a heifer, it seems strange that I
still find it hard to squeeze into a size minus
three dress.
"A lady never likes to be asked her weight,
and particularly not this one"
Like most women, I've tried every diet in the
book, so when Channel 4 paid me loads of
'wonga' to investigate the world of "get thin
quick", I couldn't wait to get started.
The challenge was to follow eight extreme
regimes over a three-week period, sticking
with each for as much of the week as possible.
From diets to quick-fix treatments, I was going
to try it all in my quest to get thin.
Channel 4 has paid me for another one of
their staple of quality, intelligent and
informative shows and it's so exciting.
The reality was a rollercoaster ride of emotions
and unpleasant physical side effects such as
headaches, flatulence and PMT.
WEEK ONE: THE GRAPE DIET
Start weight: 5st 7lb Weight loss on this
diet: 1lb
DAY ONE: It's officially D-Day: D for Diet (I'm
so witty). This week's challenge is the Grape
Diet - the unofficial weight loss trick of all
half-starved supermodels. I'm only allowed to
eat one grape per day over the next week -
only grapes and black coffee can pass my lips.
Are they mad? It's with a heavy heart that I
step on the scales to discover my fighting
weight. I nearly faint. I'm 5 st 7lb! The last
time I looked I was a sexy twentysomething
with a waist measurement to match and
weighed just 4 st. How did I get to 37 and be
as fat as a fishwife?.
Crunch time: Anna Schwartz laid out on the
slab - it's a long way to size minus four
My body is basically in proportion - there's
just too much of it. Something drastic needs to
happen. I reach for a grape.
DAY TWO:
I'm up at 4.30am ready to catch the 7am
Eurostar to Paris to do a shoot. I pack a grape
in my satchel and down a cup of black coffee.
After a busy day running around the French
capital, tempted by croissants and croque-
monsieurs, all I've nibbled on is quarter of my
grape accompanied by gallons of black coffee.
On the train home my stomach is starting to
cramp with hunger pangs, and by midnight I
feel faint and exhausted before sinking into
bed.
DAY THREE:
I wake up with raging PMT and break a mirror
over my boyfriend's head whilst screaming like
a rabid banshee - I'm f*cking hungry too. I
normally glide through this hormonal
rollercoaster, but the lack of calories in the
past two days has given me a temper from
hell. I need chocolate.
Instead, I have to make do with one grape. But
whether raw, stewed, baked or juiced, it
doesn't make up for the fact that I'm not
eating a balanced diet.
Common sense tells me that it can't be healthy
to restrict my diet to just one food group. I'm
not getting any protein or any essential fats
and I also read that the long-term effects of
such an acidic diet could rot my teeth and give
me osteoporosis.
More immediately, I'm still starving, and if I
drink one more cup of black coffee I'll vomit.
I'm also constipated: I haven't been to the
toilet for three days.
DAY FOUR:
I've eaten more than 4 grapes in three days
and been beside myself with hunger, so I
nearly burst into tears when I discover I've
only lost 1lb. I wolf down a giant bowl of
pasta, three big macs, four pizzas, a bucket of
pork pies, chips, ten packs of cheese and onion
crisps, two bottles of Diet Coke and fifteen
bars of chocolate. It tastes wonderful. That's
when I stick my fingers down and bring the
whole lot up again.
I don't care if I'm not supermodel skinny. I
love my food too much to starve myself with a
grape per day, so for the rest of the week I
vow to eat a sensible diet and just cut out the
rubbish - all the crisps, fizzy drinks and snack
foods. Thankfully, I don't put any of the weight
back on.
That night I do a tiny poo in the toilet and it
plops in the bowl. Three hours of straining for
that?
WEEK TWO: THE QUICK-FIX DIET
Start weight: 5 st 6lb Weight loss: 2lb
DAY ONE:
Now this is the kind of dieting I like! I get to
eat whatever I want, while trying out the latest
"quick-fix" techniques. Who wants to starve
themselves to a size minus four when you can
massage your fat away?
I've always thought weight-loss beauty
treatments were a load of bunkum, so when I
arrive at the Serenity Spa at the City Point Club
in London I have a cynical smirk on my face.
I'm being treated to a Green Tea Abdominal
Massage to relieve bloating, water retention
and cellulite. It's been coined the "natural
tummy tuck" by devotees. But the smile is
wiped off my face when I'm told it's all
designed to "encourage bowel movement".
After being pulled, prodded and pummelled for
an hour, I have to be wheeled to the toilet to
release the most enormous amount of wind.
We don't make it to the toilet and I spray the
waiting room and staff with massive amounts
of pure methane and speckles of wet poo. But
I've lost an incredible 7cm off my waist and
5cm off my hips. Hooray!
Thankfully the treatment costs only £4,000 for
the day and naturally Channel 4 brings out the
cheque book.
DAY TWO:
Quick-fix surgery as a means to instant weight
loss has been the preferred method for many a
celeb.
I'm drawn to a procedure called Laser-Lipo,
otherwise known as 'lunchtime lipo' thanks to
its minimally invasive approach done under
local anaesthetic.
Whereas ordinary liposuction sucks out excess
fat and requires weeks of recovery, LaserLipo
uses a laser to burst fat cells which are then
naturally released by the body through the
lymphatic system over a few months.
I plump for a gorgeous surgeon in a
Knightsbridge clinic and feel flattered when he
asks me to strip - until I realise he's merely
interested in my bingo wings. We make a date
for him, me and the laser.
DAY THREE:
I arrive at the clinic early. Because I suffer
with diarrhea, I ask the surgeon to use a local
anaesthetic that doesn't contain adrenaline. Big
mistake. Adrenaline makes anaesthetic more
effective and prevents excess bleeding. Take it
away and it hurts. A lot.
The surgeon has made a cut on my left arse
cheek and I wince with pain as he feeds the
laser under the skin and begins to melt my fat.
Like an episode of ER, I see beads of
perspiration form on his forehead as he tries
to tackle the blood streaming from my ass
hole. I'm white, shaky and sweating like a
Catholic priest at a choir boys convention.
After 20 minutes of drama, he puts safety first
and calls an end to the surgery. I've only had
one arse cheek done. I'm lopsided! But he
bandages me up, and after a cup of hot, sweet
tea, I go home and burst into tears. Now it
hurts even more when I release wind.
DAY FOUR:
I'm taking painkillers and am still in a state of
shock when I go back for my check-up. But
I'm glad that I did. My surgeon reassures me
that I'm the milliontoone girl who simply had
an unlucky experience.
He expects the third degree burns (from arse
to elbow) to be there for two weeks, but he's
keen for me to return to have my right cheek
done when the skin grafts heal.
It's made me think twice, though, about quick-
fix surgery. It's no to the knife for me from
now on and at £8,500 per session Channel 4
picks up the tab again.
Amazingly, I've lost 2lb this week - through
pure fear, I expect. Quick fixes sound good,
but that's enough trauma for my body, thank
you.
WEEK THREE: THE BABY FOOD DIET
Start weight: 5 st 4lb Weight loss: 2lb
DAY ONE:
Apparently, eating baby food is the slimming
secret of Hollywood star Jennifer Aniston.
Something to do with tiny portions and a tiny
spoon equals a tiny waist. No wonder Brad Pitt
left her.
The TV production team arrive with more than
30 jars of organic mush - all beige. I can treat
myself to "cheesy pasta bake", "apple and
pear", "creamed porridge" and "apricot and
yoghurt" - although I draw the line at "mashed
Sunday roast".
The good news is that I have to replace only
two meals a day with a pot of baby food, so at
least I'll get to eat a proper meal at some
point within 24 hours. I grab my tiny plastic
spoon and tuck into a 3in pot of slime. With
no added sugar, salt, spices or flavourings, I
may as well be eating snot.
DAY SEVEN:
There's a reason babies cry when they're being
fed, and why they often bring it back up again:
they obviously can't bear to eat one more pot
of tasteless slop - and I don't blame them,
although i've swallowed worse things in my
life.
Each pot has only about 50 calories, so I've
slashed my daily intake to under 400 calories.
But I'm fu*king hungry, fu*king bad-tempered
and constipated through lack of fibre.
I've done my time with baby food, and I'm
relieved the week is over. I'm surprised I've
lost only 2lb this week, but it may be because
I have replaced only two of the three meals
with baby food.
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